searching for the answer

i crave for the answer.
i crave for someone to tell me why certain things are happening in my life.
i crave for the truth.

i'm tired.
i'm tired of having put forth so much effort and not receiving it in return.
i'm tired of hurting.

i truly believe nice guys finish last, and it sucks. seven months ago, i found something real, something good, something i thought was worth everything to me- i was totally wrong. i blame myself for putting my heart out and letting it be stomped on.

six years ago, i got the chance to play at carnegie hall. i practiced and put my all into training. i knew it would require lots of dedication, time, effort, and sacrifice, but i didn't mind- just as long as i was on that stage in new york. the day of my performance, i choked and it turned out horribly. i had to start my entire piece over and i left the stage in tears. here i am, six years later, relating to the same exact feeling. putting a tremendous amount of my everything into something i wanted so deeply, something i thought would make me the happiest person ever. instead, it leaves me alone, not knowing where my next move is. whether that G key is played after the C key in one measure; whether you're supposed to cry because it's over, or smile because it happened...i'll never know. once again, i start all over. forget all the effort because that doesnt matter anymore. its all down the drain. forget the passion and desire for making it work. forget everything. i must start straight from the beginning, right on measure one. once more i leave with tears, but not for long. though this has brought me down, it will not keep me down.

help me to be strong.
help me to believe that it will get better.
help me to be better off without him.

(song change. thank you high school musical)